So, instead of braving the nasty weather to spend hours with people that I dont really want to get to know, I stayed in with a glass of red and watched a movie and had a lovely time! You will be taking two steps backwards and questioning everything you may say in the text, email etc. Even then, people have to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, even when they are forgiven. Well, dealer seems different, maybe he never wants to live that way of life either. He married that gf (maybe, already fiance?) He got the ego stroke or attention he was after. Think of a calming or pleasant memory that you can clearly . As such, you can follow your conscience and what you think is wise. I know I do! Thank you Courtney and Lizzie. document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); document.getElementById( "ak_js_3" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Sign up for our newsletter and receive our top articles My point is Thanks for putting it to me in light of drug addiction. None of these are likely. I take it to mean all the people in church who wind me up because, you know, Im spending eternity with them. She moved in with a new guy within a couple months of our breakup, and it is an effective deterrent to me reconciling anything with her. Maybe a working definition of forgiveness would help? All of this led to a fight and unremitting denials about his perceived drug use before he drove off. It is very challenging and even breaking off all contact isnt always the answer. that I was not OK with acting like friends and that he should have had the guts to tell me it was over instead of disappearing. Theres nothing for me to be angry about, but because Im so hung up in being a good Christian I dont want to hurt him. I would rather keep complete NC and not see him at all, rather than the nice and polite act. When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. Long time no talk. %PDF-1.6 % 100%. This content does not have an English version. Mind, I have no idea how that applies to my situation now, so its probably best not read in the light of that. I'm especially proud of you for considering your daughter's feelings. Unsubscribe at any time. My therapist said, I didnt have good role models growing up. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. Mymble I am so glad to hear how you are feeling. . It's less. The Bible says to bless those who curse us. Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort, Owen said. Write a reverse thought that sends the power back to you (for example, if youre focusing on your exs harem, write about how there is nobody who is exactly like you in the world. I didnt even stand up to him the times he hit me, and told me it was my fault that he did it. React Reply zeroth88 Follow Xper 5 Age: 34 , mho 82% +1 y You can do so much better than a rebound that doesnt give you what you need, too. Lol. I could not have made it without Natalies site and books and you alls posts! I dont know if Im struggling with the definition of forgiveness (which is why I prefer a working definition as theres room for development) or if its the how. I trusted them whilst in then depths of the on off emotional roller coaster ride of a relationship and it seems now that I was fabricating everything and the reason he treated me so badly was because it was my fault. Grudges are a form of punishment. It was not a playful act, its who he was. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. RFC I think you already have the information you need, he said he feels suffocated in a relationship and he wanted FWB. This response is different from holding a grudge. Its such desperate and insecure behavior (which I dont find sexually appealing at all) that Ive tended to step back and observe it almost scientifically. Many years ago, I was seeing a guy who lived across the street. 2021; doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.656689. you wont because youre wise and loyal to your friend but I wonder how many others of her friends he has managed to do this too. as well as other partner offers and accept our. What makes me sad is that I wish I had a mother daughter relationship with someonenot her, just someone. If we keep listening to the shoulds, we just end up stuck in a cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. Seriously! Validation? It will be different. But we really need to forgive ourselves. Okay, Nat. Pleasewe need to remember not to treat men we are dating and potentially hurt them in precisely the same ways which have brought so many of us to places of terrible pain, regret and confusion. ReadyforChange, I would advise you not to break NC. I definately would be easily tempted to still be nice, and have a selective memory. I feel much better for having gone ahead and done this because it needed closure in my own head and only I could give that to me, by taking action and hoping to christ that I was enough of a different and stronger person not to fall into the same trap again. Sadly, in its effort to garner empathy, a grudge ends up depriving a. I know its very common, people looking to connect when the corpse of their marriage is not yet cold heck, the marriage likely isnt even a corpse, more like on life support but the thought of stepping into that muck is so unappealing I just shake my head. I am deeply sorry for what you are going through,and although you dont know it now you can survive and pop out the other end of the dark tunnel into a new and better light. I would never ever let someone treat my child with disrespect or disregard. Your behavior as a mother is scrutinized by your children so you should want to always set a good example for them to follow. It sounds like youre dismissing the red flags because you are attracted to him. I was appalled by this. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. You have helped me in the past and I wish I could say something wise to support you. If we keep acting like we just fell out of the sky into today or that we have to blank out the past, not only do we end up missing out on lots of valuable information and lessons that can help us to increase self-knowledge that helps us better navigate our journey through life, but we also end up having to forget the good too. And thenif he doesnt reply more questions. I have to learn to forgive me for not being beautiful, desirable enough to get a high quality dude to actually want to live here with me. Nonforgiveness is to build a dreadful . She has been told over and over that she cannot treat people the way she treats them and not have consequences. Thanks for reminding us of that . I think its most important for starters that you stop with the new guy, explain that you cannot continue because you are not over your ex and then stop dating for the time being. Having gone through 30 days of NC with my neighbour who literally lives eight feet away from me, across the hall, I kept falling back into how much I must have hurt him by rejecting him. Lessons were learned & I am working on me & my EU tendencies which have been there since childhood I am guessing. Stay up to date with what you want to know. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. You can control how much, you get to say when and how much. Friend Zone at best with this guy. And not in a self-righteous, look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife way, but in a genuine, humble way. And furthermore I think you look too easy, you appear non-discriminating and youre too available for them. I cant imagine the devastation your heart must be in right now. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface.". Are you sure it wouldnt be an excuse to stay connected? It's about focusing on what you can control in the here and now. But please be careful! Youre right. Im interested in using the past and holding a grudge and how that affects how you interact with people today. I coach clients on this issue as well. It's about caring enough about myself to not make myself a doormat ever again, and using the pain as motivation. Im not sure we can. But when he comes to get our son by the time he drops him off later in the day he hovers asking how im doing acting all caring. "Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you," Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. I have not been to therapy, but I have researched her behavior thoroughly. Ive thoughtnto myself that maybe i was too critical and expected too much from her, and that if i was more accepting it could work out, but the fact is shes with someone else. dcd568so sorry for your pain. I said Im sorry!) I wrote that post last night in a moment of particular discomfort, and I was blown away this morning when I found your thoughtful replies. My family disliked him as well, the brother I am closest to disliked him instantly and the ex AC always tried to stop me seeing him because of this. It may not work out but I know MANY instances where it did. AAAArrrrggggg!! For example, Ive begun to pray for my enemies, including childhood abusers. Im confused. He tried like hell to convince me to be present to now. Its a broken world and there is no perfect answer to this messy situation, but a clean break is not more wrong than him messing with your head when there is no future. It breaks my heart a bit. Oh, eww, this guy sounds awful. "We don't hold grudges in this family" = I am in charge and I say you can't hold this against me. I appreciate your imput. I have suffered with obsessive thoughts and cognitive dissonance for years with this AC! Victim's perspective of forgiveness seeking behaviors after transgressions. I'm Not Holding A Grudge, I'm Setting A Boundary. Ready If you had a proper relationship and he was basically a good egg i might say go ahead and have a talk. He has no remorse for screwing up his kids childhoods. I no longer feel he is even my father. Ciembithat truly sucks. It makes me sick to think how easily I fall into thinking hes a nice guy and that I am not as nice person for thinking unkind (true) thoughts. Youre right, sometimes these rebounds are objectified but I did not mean to do so. Done! No forgive & forget from me thts for sure! If you have a parent, friend, *someone* in your life that feels perpetually disappointed in you and maybe even feels entitled to make their feelings and issues your problem, its okay to say no to this malarkey.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want is out now. Behaving just like a drug addict, withdrawing from the fix. Improved mental health. Please be more discriminating in the future. Sorry, meant to add that its neither here nor there whether theyre repetent or not. Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? When I reflect, I have forgiven the assclowns from my past for their bad behavior. . Now if I were to ask you, your advice, on a friend who is funny, nice, who takes me out biking (best positive activity i have done for eons) BUT who goes on about women as if they are meat, who talks to me in one glance, but then is always looking at other women or scantily clad women on the tv, with another glance, who i catch checking my body parts out regularly, and unashamedly, who makes his hugs last a lil too long (yak) who is now using his biking knowledge and lending me a very decent bike as his control lever to keep going out with him (I am saving for my own fucking bike thanks, mate) and that I just have this uneasy, queasy feeling of being leched upon, and that I just want to untangle myself from him, and his unfolding character .would you tell me Im just making it a bigger deal than what it is, and to stay and just reaffirm my boundries of friendship only? This serial monogamy is a fairly recent phenomenon and the bible is silent on how to handle it. I still am having to work on that. It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. In my situation, we both have grown. I did not acknowledge it. shattered you dont need anyones permission but do be prepared for a big let down or, worse, to be insulted. Being a work in progress. Have you gone for therapy with someone who is trained to deal with people who grew up in narcissist homes? Its been over a year, and Im getting better and then suddenly something will hit me and I will crash emotionally. My story in short: Met my AC 3 years ago, and over the course of our on-off relationship what I found the hardest to handle was that he was cozying up to all my close friends, and appropriating my family of friends as his own. Unfortunately this is a case of When they tell you who they are, believe them.